If you thought the headline was like something from The Onion, you’re WRONG: America’s largest newspaper went to investigate campus life at UNC, where “a student body that is nearly 60 percent female is just one of many large universities that at times feel eerily like women’s colleges.” You hear about a typical night on the town:

After midnight on a rainy night last week in Chapel Hill, N.C., a large group of sorority women at the University of North Carolina squeezed into the corner booth of a gritty basement bar. Bathed in a neon glow, they splashed beer from pitchers, traded jokes and belted out lyrics to a Taylor Swift heartache anthem thundering overhead. As a night out, it had everything — except guys.

“This is so typical, like all nights, 10 out of 10,” said Kate Andrew, a senior from Albemarle, N.C. The experience has grown tiresome: they slip on tight-fitting tops, hair sculpted, makeup just so, all for the benefit of one another, Ms. Andrew said, “because there are no guys.”

What was that line, the one about how only boring people get bored? Forget it. The NYT somehow found a cornucopia of viewpoints on the 60/40 problem from the extraordinarily vapid and narrow range of the interview list.

For instance, there’s the sure, I’m in college, but my parents are bumming me out!

But surrounded by so many other successful women, they often find it harder than expected to find a date on a Friday night.

“My parents think there is something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t hang out with a lot of guys,” said Ms. Andrew, who had a large circle of male friends in high school.

Or what about Jayne Dallas, who took a break from bragging about getting shitfaced at the airport to let us know it’s not HER fault:

Jayne Dallas, a senior studying advertising who was seated across the table, grumbled that the population of male undergraduates was even smaller when you looked at it as a dating pool. “Out of that 40 percent, there are maybe 20 percent that we would consider, and out of those 20, 10 have girlfriends, so all the girls are fighting over that other 10 percent,” she said.

Do you think Elizabeth Edwards thought John was part of that 10 percent when she was at UNC?!

Fortunately for the above douches, not every woman gets discouraged. We get treated to a little insight into how UNC’s bottom-feeding turned Tucker Max into the coolbag he is today:

Rachel Sasser, a senior history major at the table, said that before she and her boyfriend started dating, he had “hooked up with a least five of my friends in my sorority — that I know of.”

As for a man’s cheating, “that’s a thing that girls let slide, because you have to,” said Emily Kennard, a junior at North Carolina. “If you don’t let it slide, you don’t have a boyfriend.”

Just remember, ladies, you HAVE to play the game or you’ll risk looking pathetic!

Thanks to simple laws of supply and demand, it is often the women who must assert themselves romantically or be left alone on Valentine’s Day, staring down a George Clooney movie over a half-empty pizza box.

So how obvious is it that a guy wrote this article?

images via NYT & flickr