It’s tough out there, Raleigh: even with the college degree and the adult job, the disposable income that enables you to go out with the team Thursday-Sunday, something’s missing. We’re like Mötley Crüe: too fast wasted for love.

Something as simple as getting a guy/girl’s number at a party can be problematic (other than the “problem” of not really remembering). There’s no vetting process, and our zip code-sized egos simply refuse to let our friends get one over on us. Not sure if homeboy/girl is ready for prime-time? No worries, I got you.

FINALLY, a guide for the single & shitfaced:

• #5: Player’s Retreat: A few years ago, PR would have been my #1 pick. That was before every soccer-loving broseph started spending the bulk of their time there. Risky, but still worth a shot. You might want to get there a little early just to be on the safe side.
• #4: The Flying Saucer: Who doesn’t love craft beer?! I’ll leave it to you to explain to your date why it’s a better choice than the Raleigh Times. Bonus points for smoothing out any feminist objection to their crass “waitress-in-short-skirt” policy.
• #3: The Point: No, I am not fucking joking. Take a deep breath and remember that not everyone lives downtown. Then try not to laugh upon realizing how easy suggesting “meeting halfway” can be.
• #2: The Big Easy: Love this place. Its banality is without peer in downtown. And I don’t mean that in a critical way. Unlike, say, Buckhead, where hordes of women get trashed on three Bud Lights and hit the (cover bands!) dance floor, the Big E’s charm is derived from its sheer inoffensiveness. People act civilized here. The zero pretense atmosphere makes it the choice of Apex office drones, which is GREAT news for you, my friend.
• #1 Havana’s: Stay classy by ducking into the gem of Glenwood, the ultimate diamond in the rough, a place where I would be willing to put up a signed, notarized document stating you will not run into anyone you know (and occasionally, no one at all). Enjoy!