It used to be you couldn’t get a negative word in. Now, The Urban Outfitters EZ Trend-Stealer fixie was but the latest chink in the armor of this once-invincible trend. Commenters have been documenting the fixed-gear backlash in major metropolitan areas, as the steady flood of newjacks and the bike/culture’s negative association with hipsters have led OG’s to question the awesome-ocity of this obsession.

Notice I wrote “major metropolitan areas.” When it comes to alleycats, the bike-messenger themed checkpoint races, of COURSE this shit’s alive and well in Raleigh! Over 100 area douches took a break from making latte art and nursing hangovers to converge on downtown for a race just last month. NewRaleigh and News 14 were amped!

One problem: there aren’t any bike messenger jobs in this city. Zero! So why is NO ONE questioning the absurdity of hosting a bike messenger-themed race in a city where the occupation doesn’t even exist (wouldn’t a rickshaw decathlon be more appropriate?!)

Maybe it’s a moot point. You don’t have to be a Magic: The Gathering pro to participate in a tournament, right? And it’s hard to fault the above articles covering a hobby that’s equally as dorky. NR is known for passing on information without comment and News 14 needs puff pieces to fill that 24-hour news cycle.

But the Indy should have known better. Their coverage of last year’s “Space Race” alleycat reads like a fixter retard’s wet dream, gushing with praise over the immaculately planned event. Here’s what goes down, in case you were wondering:

Participants also have to, in Holst’s words, “recover lost Saturn capsules that have crash-landed in the wilderness” of Pullen Park. The capsules contain astronauts’ beverage of choice, Tang, which cyclists then use as a chaser at the next checkpoint after a mandatory shot of whiskey or vodka, depending on whether they registered as an American astronaut or a Russian cosmonaut. Root beer and strawberry soda are also available.

Doesn’t privileged youth riding $2000 brakeless bikes without a helmet around downtown immediately after taking a shot sound like the definition of awesome (or safe)? I’d heard the Indy had a “liberal bias,” but I didn’t know it was a bias against common sense.

Then I had an epiphany. This shit started making sense. I KNEW it reminded me of a movie I’d seen…where it’s not about the race so much as being seen next to your luridly garish whip. Where you’re a punk if you haven’t re-tooled your pink custom frame with expensive components in the name of going “faster.” Dedicated solely to your craft, you can only hang out with like-minded individuals and eschew normal people concerns like having an “adult job.” Those mopes will never understand what it feels like to just ride…

Put your snark goggles on and try commenting on these pictures with a critical eye. It’s fun!

*submitted to Look at this Fucking Hipster

[Indy] The great human race

[News14] Cyclists gather for Raleigh Boys Club bike race

[NR] Raleigh Cat: “The Greatest Cycling Event”

Also, check out Bike Snob NYC and Josh Hoffman’s photos