Lost in the recent ABC controversies like the New Hanover mope making more than the governor and Parks Helms resigning over a liquor distributor picking up his $12,700 tab (four bottles of Dom P!) is how the scandals actually affect YOU. Namely, is it costing you more than it should to get crunk? Take a look at my MSPaint-designed chart:

Damn you, Mark Sanford!

Personally, I’m one of those progressive types who doesn’t mind paying a little extra for booze if it goes toward benefiting everyone in our state. Also, Bev has pledged audits and reviews and reforms and all that. But I can totally see how given the Carolina price differential, these scandals are overcooking your grits.

And they should! It’s just the latest of many. Pick an acronym, dude: ABC, ALE, DMV, NCGA…North Carolina’s been sliding ass-first into the endemic corruption that comes from decades of one-party rule.  The embarrassing ethics violations, the litany of state employees eager to grab a handout, the new story every week about some entrenched good ol’ boy gettin’ PAID…it all sucks, and NC’s middle Americans are tired of it.

This should scare the shit out of anyone to the left of Rush Limbaugh. Because it’s a two-party system! Voting the bums out sounds GREAT until you remember there’s no problem so bad that Republicans can’t make it worse. Take a look at how your minority party is spending their time, right now, working to block North Carolina from whatever watered-down health care reform legislation Congress will pass.

Which brings us back to liquor sales. In the wake of the scandals, Republicans have demanded the state turn over control of the ABC boards to the private sector. It’ll work, we promise! Just like how repealing the Fairness Doctrine led to our wonderfully balanced talk radio network, and how “community schools” really means way, way more diversity, Pat McCrory argues that privatizing the sale of liquor will actually make MORE money for the state.

If that reads like an absurd argument, well, Project Pat’s still the same tone-deaf tool that invited Bush to campaign with him in ‘08. Note in his op-ed that he says NOTHING about how the state itself could improve sales (like, say, being open on fucking Sundays) or that reducing the $4-per-bottle tax on businesses would help everyone from Applebee’s to Greg Hatem.

When Pat’s around, the platitudes come fast and the conservative giveaways aren’t far behind. Fortunately, it ain’t gonna happen. This article made me feel better:

With North Carolina ranking sixth among the states for generating liquor revenue and 48th for per capita liquor consumption, supporters of the current “control” system in place since the 1930s say it’s hard to justify dramatic change.

(Ed. note: 48th?! Christians need to STEP IT UP!)