There was the ridiculous aide claiming paternity, the hush money, the ignominy of having cheated on your cancer-stricken wife, the hypocrisy of having called Bill Clinton out, the embarrassment of telling Blondie she could have her NYC rooftop wedding with Dave Matthews getting out, all that shit. But one Edwards quote is still my favorite:

“We simply cannot replace Corporate Republicans with Corporate Democrats and expect any kind of real change.”

Take an overview of the Blue $Green$ Dogs’ behavior over the last year and tell me he’s fucking wrong. We’re still at war, our health-care premiums are still going up, bankers are still making millions off our backs. Thanks for the platitudes, you guys!

Now, an article detailing just how colossally do-nothing Democrats have wasted your time would be more depressing than listening to Low’s greatest hits. I mean, a real bummer. We can’t have that shit. No, what we need are MORE tawdry tales from another tell-all 2008 election book to cement in our minds how gross politicians are to take our mind off the American economy falling off the cliff.

I shouldn’t complain too much because tidbits can still be gleaned from the tabloid wreckage. Check out this excerpt from Game Change published in NYMag about the Edwardseseses. It turns out Elizabeth was actually the one behind John’s “Corporate Democrat” populist message:

In the wake of the Hunter flare-up and the recurrence of Elizabeth’s cancer, the dynamic between husband and wife shifted in the context of the campaign. He was even more deferential to her; she was even more assertive, pushing John hard on policy, always to the left. In 2004, Edwards’s campaign had been sunny, centrist, and thematic. Elizabeth prodded him toward being hotter, more populist, more sharply ideological and anti-Establishment.

Of course, the limousine liberal in Elizabeth just HAD to come out, in a tale ripe for Deceiver.com:

During the 2004 race, Elizabeth badgered and berated John’s advisers around the clock. She called Nick Baldick, his campaign manager, an idiot. She accused David Axelrod, his (and later Obama’s) media consultant, of lying to her and insisted that he be stripped of the responsibility for making the campaign’s TV ads. She would stay up late scouring the Web, pulling down negative stories and blog items about her husband, forwarding them with vicious messages to the communications team. She routinely unleashed profanity-laced tirades on conference calls. “Why the fuck do you think I’d want to go sit outside a Wal-Mart and hand out leaflets?” she snarled at the schedulers.

Jesus. The ridic details of John, Elizabeth & Rielle’s interactions will get the majority of attention, and maybe they should. And maybe John was just talk talk talking that whole time in the primary and never meant a word. But what bums me out is that in the pantheon of political pussy-hounds, the most belligerent anger and vitriol stays reserved for the ones that might actually save our asses (read: Eliot Spitzer).

Which brings me back to Bill Clinton. I always wondered how one Southern philandering rags-to-riches shithead could command so many votes and another so few. It’s ironic that for a man impeached for a blowjob, he certainly spent a lot of time sucking Monsanto’s dick. To say nothing of NAFTA and blah blah blah, the list goes on and on. Bill played the game and is still welcome in polite society.

For once, I’d like to see what happens when a(n elected) politician doesn’t.